Reflections

Today our very first baby, Kaia, has a kindergarten graduation! She's so excited about the performance they will be putting on, and how much fun her last few days of kindergarten will be. In 22 days she will turn 6 years old. I'm still not sure how she grew up so fast.

Then there is Mo, who in his new-found threeness, has earned the nickname Bossy Bob. He will tell you what he wants, when he wants it, and how it should be done. Without a please or thank you, of course.

And finally there are Fric and Frac. There is a moment, every single day, where it hits me that I'm really pregnant. For 3 years, I thought I would never feel a baby moving and growing in me again. Even before my tubes were tied, I knew Mo was my last. And this thought that it's actually happening just hits me in the face. I'm awestruck that my body once again is carrying another life, and even more amazed that this time there are 2 lives.

I will admit there were times after my tubal ligation when I wondered if I had made the right decision. This was especially true after seeing a pregnant friend, or hearing about someone's labor and seeing the newborn. Those wonderings usually didn't last long, but I would always turn it over to God. I told Him, that if I was meant to have another child, I knew He would give me one. Little did I know what He had in store.

My turning it all over to God quickly went out the window when a blue stripe appeared on the pregnancy test in February. My "it's in your hands God," quickly became, "Oh God, no, this can't be happening." With everything Dana and I had going on, the last thing I was welcoming was a positive pregnancy test. That positive test brought with it 2 weeks of torture!

Because of my tubal ligation, there was a very high likelihood of an ectopic pregnancy. I was immediately sent in for blood work, and I became good friends with the phlebotomist during my many visits. My maternal instincts and hormones soon began to kick in, and I wasn't so scared of being pregnant. But, I refused to allow myself to think about the possibility of actually being pregnant. I didn't want to get excited, only to have a shot to dissolve a pregnancy that wasn't viable. I wasn't sure what to pray for, and just kept asking that I'd know what was going to happen, and right away. I struggled so hard, and within days I realized, I couldn't do it. I had to give in and embrace the fact that I was pregnant, even if it would only be for a few weeks.

Every blood test came back normal, and the last blood test had higher than normal numbers. Numbers so high that only the tiniest percentage of ectopic pregnancies ever managed that level of hcg. When I went in for that ultrasound at 5 weeks and 5 days, I said a prayer in the car. Finally, once again, I turned it all over to God. I couldn't alter the events that took place in my body weeks before, but I could tell Him I was ok with His plan. I prayed it again before my ultrasound, then the doctor came in and on the screen appeared a black spot, which meant nothing to me, until he said, "That's the sac implanted right where it should be. Come in next week, and we'll see a heartbeat." And I did.

It was a few weeks more before we learned about the twins, and I've definitely had my struggles wondering what God is up to in our lives. But I haven't met anyone that doesn't feel these babies were meant to be, and I agree. Tomorrow, both Dana and I will spend an hour watching them and if they are cooperative, we'll be able to find out their genders and start picking out names.

Come back by tomorrow afternoon/evening, for a much less sappy post, and to see for yourself. This is your last chance to tell me what you think we're having!