Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Welcome Back!

That first Monday back to work after vacation can be killer. You are working so hard to get caught up, and you want to be productive, but you are just so out of it from a week off that the day goes on and on and you leave feeling that nothing was accomplished. Multiply that by 2 as both my coworker and I were gone last week. We did end up with the best laugh at the end of the day, and it was all worth it!

A short, older Native American lady came into the office just before we closed. She had her little hand cart and was awfully cute (I think it was the height and her floppy hat). She came in to the office to ask about volunteer opportunities. I told her where to find out about different opportunities and wished her well on her search. She seemed so normal, and then said God Bless your baby. I said thanks, and then she went on to tell me to Bless my baby everyday and he won't kick so much and hurt me. And if I don't Bless him, and he kicks then I'll be angry, and if the baby's angry it will make birth more difficult and it will hurt. Ok... I refrain from telling her I'll be having a cesarean birth, so I don't plan to have any pain. Instead, I smile and nod.

Then she told me to avoid alcohol because it's sugar and wine would wind them up and she calls it Kool aid, so avoid the sugar. And I need to avoid cocaine and heroine. I'm still smiling, wondering if I look like a crack head. But, I nod and mumbled something like that wasn't a problem. Then she told me to avoid tasers because they'll send you 90 feet high. And that is bad for babies. Really? I had no idea. I assured her I didn't plan to be tased anytime soon.

Then she began to rub her belly and say that I should avoid vitamins and that powdered milk from China. Because you know China, it's really sperm. And that sperm if you put it outside in the sunlight it will just shoot in all directions. And stay away from cash machines because you win money and they have electrical current.

So I am managing a straight face until she got to the sperm comment, but that was it. I couldn't stand it anymore, I told her thank you and have a nice day as I began to walk back toward the back office. Then she blessed me again and said bless you to have elders to talk to. I nearly died once I was behind the partition. My coworker was crouched at her desk silently laughing, and I started to silently laugh. When the door closed behind her we both came out of hiding and laughed so hard I had tears running down my face and neither of us could articulate what had just occurred. There was so much more said, and each time I thought, I have to remember that. But it kept getting crazier and I'd forget the first thing. Before we left, we both agreed. That was the best end to a Monday ever!


Anonymous said...

Poor old lady.

barb said...

My grandmother used to ramble on like that. She was hysterical, but she was also being completely sweet and sincere. What a character! And oh, how much I miss her!

Katrina said...

Nothing like ending the day with a good belly laugh!!

jennifer said...

Seriously TJ, you haven't heard that "sperm if you put it outside in the sunlight it will just shoot in all directions..." ??? You have to avoid sun exposed sperm!!

And the electric current from cash machines is old news. I'm sure that it tip #1 in "What to Expect When You're Expecting"... :)

Weren't you thankful for the giggle?

Ronnica said...

I client who went on and on like that (about skin health). It's so funny...but they're in your office, there's nothing you can do to end it!

Casii said...

I just spewed diet DP on my screen! LOLOL

One day, ask me about my grandmother feeding my little sister from a 'sugar tit'.

Mrs. Mordecai said...

That's funny! I'm glad you had a good ending to your day.

Once I had a random guy in the grocery store take me aside in the produce section and tell me to make sure to stay out of debt. He was really weird.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing your "crazy Monday". What a laugh! Granny